Posted by Benjamin on: 05.24.2007 /
Trissa posted some really insightful thoughts as part of the ongoing conversation in another thread. I wanted to repost them at the start of a new thread
I guess what I was trying to say is that most of us who are in a serving profession got there because of idealism. A soldiers idealism is patriotism or wanting to spread freedom (I’m somewhat assuming, somewhat going on what I know from my brother who is in the Airforce). A social worker’s ideal is to help people who are less fortunate. A teacher wants to open their students up the opportunities around them (my mom and sister are teachers). So we run on idealism, but it only gets us so far. A soldier sees death, pain, suffering and sees no positive outcomes. A social worker sees one client after another who’s unwilling to change their life circumstances. The teacher has to deal with unmotivated students and absent parents. Slowly the idealism erodes and one day your ideals seem far away and naive. I think as one sees suffering and pain without relief it’s hard to believe in anything.
So often people in my profession push it aside and don’t think about how what they see affects them. I assume it’s the same as a soldier. If you think about it you might find the last of your idealism slip away and the foundation that once brought about all decisions is gone.
I personally don’t believe in god at the moment, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with my job (but maybe it does and I don’t want to think about it). I have become so much more “shades of gray” because, like all people in my profession, I’ve had to. It’s the only way we survive. Shades of gray doesn’t always mesh well with idealism, altruism and belief.
I read this blog and other Christian blogs because it keeps me connected to humanity in a small way. I live for those moments when I feel something good, when I can feel a positive connection with humanity.
I know I probably sound dramatic, but after three years I’ve finally started to really think about what my profession has done to my body and soul. Often I don’t feel refreshed so I hang onto those rare moments when I can.
Last night I was driving home from a Portland hospital where I left a mom whose baby was just diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome. Fortunately its a mild case, however everybody becomes a suspect, including mom. I had to tell her that she could not be alone with her daughter until we could polygraph her. When I left the room she and her mother were crying. I saw her crying and felt little. As I rode home I was numb until a story came on NPR’s Fresh Air about a priest in LA who helps gang members find jobs. He related a story about four rival gang members who had met through his program. At some point they became friends and one year spent Christmas together because none of them had anywhere else to go. I started to cry and then rejoiced because I felt something. I felt reconnected with humanity in a positive way.
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Comment by: Benjamin Ady
1 05/24/07 3:00 PM | Comment Link |Trissa,
Thankyou for sharing parts of your story. I have also become much more “shades of grey” over the last few years. And I see what you mean about how “Shades of gray” doesn’t mesh so well with idealism, altruism, and belief. Do you suppose, though, that perhaps “shades of gray” enables us … somehow … to be kind/open/connective with diverse people in a way we simply couldn’t have back when the world was black and white?
I love the way you touch on how *stories* still manage to touch us no matter how dark the world seems. The bit of story you shared certainly resonated with me. Again–thankyou!
Comment by: Karlene
2 05/25/07 11:02 AM | Comment Link |Trissa,
Thank you for sharing this. I read it yesterday and I’m still pondering your words. I think you are right on about idealism - the best hopes we have for the world drive us into vocations through which we hope to change the world, or at least make some noticeable difference in the lives of some. It is painful and discouraging when our idealism crashes into hard realities and all our best efforts seem futile.
Like you, it’s those wonderful stories that buoy me up and encourage me to keep going.
Unless we choose to insulate ourselves from the problems and pain of others, I think we have to learn how to live with “shades of gray.” We have to be comfortable with paradox and a certain amounts of relativism. And maybe part of avoiding total disillusionment and cynicism is learning what really isn’t gray for us. After the idealistic bubble has popped, what have we learned that we really can stand on? For me, answering that question is a huge part of the journey.
As I think about it, the stories that encourage me do so because they say - in opposition to my fears - that change is possible and there is reason to hope.
Thanks again for your post!
Comment by: April Terry
3 05/25/07 11:48 AM | Comment Link |Trissa,
Thanks for your transparency. I’m glad that you posted this because it is a good topic for discussion. I think that anytime we are serving others, we have feelings of futility that rise and fall.
In my ministry, our group brings a service to two convalescent homes once a month. One day in particular, I walked down the halls of one of the facilities, and I realized the number of seniors that we were not reaching. At that moment, I felt like a drop of water in an ocean and I was deeply discouraged.
Funny, though, in everything that I read about Jesus, he didn’t do that. He just did what was offered before Him and accepted that as His purpose. In fact, when someone lamented about a woman wasting her fine oil on Him when she could have sold it and used it to help the poor, Jesus said, “The poor you will always have with you.”
I think about those words when I get discouraged because it reminds me that my purpose is what is put before me. The need out there is great and the servants are few, but it would be far worse if there were no servants.
Comment by: trissa
4 05/25/07 4:30 PM | Comment Link |Thank you guys for the positive words. It’s been a really rough week at work, we had two cases of children with brain injuries and an infant fatality. However, I find myself in a good place at the moment because one of my closest friends is about to have a baby. In fact the baby shower is tonight and it’s moments like these, in my personal life, that keep me going in my professional life. However I have to be very careful not to let my professional life spill over into my personal life.
Benjamin, I agree with you that becoming more “shades of gray” allows us to be more open, kind and connective. I am a much much happier person now (in my personal life) than when I was younger. I am more open to the world and my close friends are people I never would have associated with before.
Karlene, I also agree with you that we have to figure out what we really stand for after the idealism has passed. I would say that I still very much have a strong sense of right and wrong, it’s simply that my priorities have shifted.
I hope everybody has a fantastic Memorial Day weekend!
Comment by: Rachel
5 05/25/07 6:26 PM | Comment Link |Well said, Karlene! That is exactly the journey I’m on. For me, that journey has led me deeper into my faith but I can definitely relate to those who have found themselves going in the opposite direction. As I see it, people can look at all the suffering and injustice in the world and say “I can’t believe there is a God” or “I have to believe there is a God.” I’m in the latter group but I can certainly understand those in the former.
That’s a good reminder, April. Mother Teresa always said “Help the one in front of you.”
I’ve been struggling with that today, Trissa. I work in a school-based family center and I get very involved in the lives of our families. I’m learning to develop emotional boundaries so that I can be empathetic with people but not carry everything home with me. That balance can be really tough to find.
Comment by: Eliza
6 05/26/07 5:57 PM | Comment Link |Interesting discussion. Thanks to all of you for going into, and staying in or trying to stay in, helping professions.
In health care, for me as a physician, “the system” is a (the) major idealism-sucking factor. There are soooo many people who really, really need health care, but who can’t access it because of health care is a commodity in this country, & it’s the “haves” who have access. (Even the “have-nots” who have coverage with Medicaid, which in this state is a pretty limited proportion of those in need, find it hard to access health care.)
It’s so discouraging to work with someone who wants alot of health care dollars spent on them for minimal health benefit, because they have coverage, like an expensive oral antifungal medication because they don’t like how their toenails look & they’ve seen the TV ads for Lamisil.
Then 30 minutes later you work with someone whose health is actively deteriorating because they can’t afford the most basic of medications or tests, and you’re trying hard to find some way to help them get it, in a patchwork, half-assed, suboptimal kind of way. That’s what I find really discouraging.
Anyone else find “the system” in which they work to be part of the problem?
Comment by: Rachel
7 05/26/07 6:17 PM | Comment Link |Eliza, welcome to Justice and Compassion! For those of you who don’t yet know Eliza, she is famous in the Off The Map blog world for her series An Atheist in Lutheran Class. Eliza attended a fourteen week course at a fundamentalist Lutheran church and wrote detailed and thoughtful reports on her experiences for Conversation at the Edge.
Comment by: Justice and Compassion
8 05/26/07 6:30 PM | Comment Link |[...] Eliza made some useful observations and asked a great question in the conversation in another thread. Thankyou Eliza! Interesting discussion. Thanks to all of you for going into, and staying in or [...]