Posted by Benjamin on: 01.16.2008 /
Now when he saw the crowds, he went into a megachurch. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:
Cursed are the extremely poor,
for one billion of them will have no clean drinking water and live on less than a dollar a day.
Cursed are those who mourn,
for they will continue to be bombed by the most militarily powerful nation on earth.
Cursed are the meek,
for they will be shot at, and have no means of shooting back.
Cursed are the 30,000 children who will die of hunger and thirst today,
because hardly anyone here in the west gives a shit.
Cursed are the merciful,
for they will be shown to be sniveling weaklings compared to those of us who have guns and know how to use them.
Cursed are the pure in heart,
for their idealism will cause them to be trodden on by more realistic types.
Cursed are the UN peacemakers,
for they will not take swift military action when it is called for.
Cursed are those who persecute Americans Christians,
for we will rain down bombs, death, and destruction upon them with no regard for proportionality.
Cursed are the people who insult, persecute, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because you are an American and thus a Christian. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward here on earth, for in the same way the evil Communist Vietnamese people tried to persecute a previous generation of Americans, and we showed them by killing five million of them!
You are the greatest military power on earth. But if the military loses its funding, readiness, and technological edge, how can it successfully accomplish death, destruction, and mayhem? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
You are the light, democracy, peace, and freedom of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, export your fine American Christianity to all the world, that they may see your good deeds and become like you, to the praise of America and the God of America.
Do not think that you are to abolish the Law or the Prophets; American Christianity is not here to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the American Bible until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks a certain select group of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be executed or bombed by the federal government, but whoever practices and teaches a certain select group of these commands will be called great among American Christians, and will get to have lots and lots of money and power. For I tell you that unless your righteousness is the righteousness that come only from faith in Christ demonstrated by saying the formulary American Christian ‘become a Christian’ prayer, you will certainly not be considered a true American Christian, nor enter into the benefits of that lofty status.
You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that as long as you’re exercising certain Yahweh-ordained types of murder like executing law breakers and bombing foreign evildoers, you’re actually helping bring about the kingdom of American Christianity on earth.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there realize that your brother has something against you because he enters the building with assault rifles and lots of ammunition, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and take down your brother using your personal sidearm; then come and offer your gift.
Never settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court, especially in the international arena. First let the matter fester for a good long time. Then when you refuse to make reparations or even admit you’ve ever done anything wrong, your adversary may be left with no choice but to employ terrorist tactics against you, thereby creating a totally legitimate reason for you to respond with overwhelming military force against civilian populations in your adversary’s own nation. And if that doesn’t work, you can always just make stuff up in order to provide such a reason.
You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that it’s fine to look at pornography in the privacy of your own home, helping to fuel a multi billion dollar industry which is destroying people both here and abroad. Furthermore, it’s not okay for women to commit adultery, but men can pretty much do whatever they can get away with, since they’re stronger and therefore right by the best definition. If another nation causes you to sin, bomb it back to the stone age. It is better for you to destroy one nation than for the whole world to descend into the horrors of communism or terrorism. And if another Christian disagrees with your particular brand of American Christianity, cut them off from the church and throw them away. It is better for one person to be excommunicated and emotionally and mentally destroyed than for the whole church to be corrupted.
It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that it’s perfectly okay for men to divorce their wives any old time they want, and since we live in a totally egalitarian society where women actually have just as much power as men, no one will be hurt.
Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.’ But I tell you, it’s fine to break treaty after treaty, as long as you have the military power and cunning to get away with it.
You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, proportionality is an outdated concept. If your enemy kills 3000 of you, then you should kill 150,000 of them. Use extraordinary rendition, torture, and lots of bombs, planes, artillery, and any other method you can think of to let them know that people can’t fuck with American Christians.
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, don’t just hate your enemy. Take the battle to them. And do it before they can strike you. If you feel threatened that your enemy will strike you, strike them first, with preemptive, overwhelming force. That’s the only way you can make sure you are safe in your homeland.
Leave a Reply
Comment by: Pam Hogeweide
1 01/16/08 5:58 PM | Comment Link |wow. who wrote this? You, Ben???
Comment by: Benjamin
2 01/16/08 6:49 PM | Comment Link |Pam,
Alas
I must confess I am the culprit. But I did use Eugene Peterson’s translation as a template, so I suppose I must give him some credit, although he may not want it. =)
Comment by: Rachel
3 01/16/08 8:21 PM | Comment Link |Benjamin, it’s really quite brilliant! Well done!
Comment by: Pam Hogeweide
4 01/17/08 5:25 PM | Comment Link |amazing ben. i wouldn’t be surprised if this got all over the net eventually.
Comment by: Benjamin
5 01/17/08 8:14 PM | Comment Link |Pam
really? That would be kind of kewl. I hadn’t considered that possibility. Maybe we can drive some traffic here, add some advertising, make 1.6 trillion dollars, and solve extreme poverty and global disease. Or something.
Thank you for your encouragement, Pam
And Rachel.
You two rock.
Comment by: Eliza
6 01/17/08 11:03 PM | Comment Link |Benj,
Wow!! You tell ‘em!
And this is only Part 1?!
Comment by: Evan
7 01/20/08 6:49 AM | Comment Link |This link was sent to me this morning. I must say, well done. I also hope this garners a lot of traffic. However, a brief introduction at the top may help for those who don’t get it. Many people will see the words shit and fuck attributed to ‘Jesus’ and not get the metaphor. They could leave this page pissed off without getting the message. Keep it up though. Peace.
Comment by: Jeff
8 01/20/08 7:24 AM | Comment Link |Rather banal but thought-provoking
Comment by: joe
9 01/20/08 10:29 AM | Comment Link |Can something be both banal and thought-provoking?
Comment by: Rachel
10 01/20/08 10:54 AM | Comment Link |You do have a good point there, Evan. What we hope is that people will be pissed off AND will get the message. ;-)
Jeff, I disagree with the use of the word “banal” to describe Benjamin’s piece. I looked up the word in an online dictionary and found these two definitions:
devoid of freshness or originality; hackneyed; trite (Random House)
Drearily commonplace and often predictable; trite (American Heritage)
Personally, I found this piece to be fresh, original, unpredictable, and certainly not commonplace.
Comment by: ed
11 01/20/08 11:21 AM | Comment Link |Good stuff. Quite moving. My wife, who is quite the blog reader, directed me here.
Evan (#7) brings up a point about reading comprehension — I teach college English, and I wonder how many of my beginning students could figure this out without being told “how” to read it. Some of them struggle with The Onion. Of course, I think that our inability to “read” has a lot to do why American Christianity has gotten to this point. (Teaching students how to pick up on verbal clues is what I do most days.) I think the discussion here in the comments could help someone figure out what all this is about if they wanted to know. If someone’s going to deliberately misuse your words, there’s really nothing you can do to stop that.
Ben, your text reminds me of William Blake’s “The Everlasting Gospel” — a bizarre wonderful poem. (Here it is at the U of Georgia — the site works best in Internet Explorer, I’ve found.) Blake: “Was Jesus Humble or did he / Give any Proofs of Humility” — there is really a difference in being humble and making a show of your humility.
Good stuff, Ben. Peace.
Comment by: benjamin
12 01/20/08 2:45 PM | Comment Link |Evan, Ed,
thank you for your kind words. I shall off to read Blake’s poem. =)
Comment by: Don
13 01/24/08 5:14 AM | Comment Link |I’m speechless! This is extremely sobering and powerful…and right on! It certainly draws a clear picture of how we Americans have strayed from Jesus’ message…while doing it in His name.
Thank you. Peace.
Comment by: Benjamin
14 01/24/08 10:09 PM | Comment Link |Don
Thank you for your kind words. What’s a “jugglecat”?
Comment by: Fr. Lyons
15 01/25/08 12:30 PM | Comment Link |Incindiary! I hope someone forwards this on to Michael Moore: he could use it as the main theme of another of his documentaries, i.e, the sequel to “Bowling For Columbine”.
This interpretation/commentary is certainly in the spirit of Liberation Theology — only it’s not the developing world who needs liberation, it’s us.
Comment by: Rachel
16 01/25/08 8:20 PM | Comment Link |Thanks for your comments, Fr. Lyon. Welcome to Justice and Compassion!
Comment by: Don
17 01/26/08 2:50 AM | Comment Link |LOL. A ‘jugglecat’ is an obscure reference to Steve Martin humor (cat juggling). =)
Comment by: Benjamin
18 01/26/08 12:40 PM | Comment Link |Ah. Steve Martin *is* pretty funny.
yeah. That’s kind of what we attempt, isn’t it? Cat juggling. I’ve done things like that. And wondered why I was in so much pain afterwars.
Comment by: Benjamin
19 01/26/08 12:43 PM | Comment Link |Father Lyons.
I’ve gotten in trouble on another blog recently for have the same take as a liberation theologian. But it’s something I’ve only started learning about very recently.
Yes of course we need liberation from our role of oppressor just as much as they need liberation from their role of oppressed. In a sense. But in the mean time, it seems like our role is in many ways a lot more comfortable.
“incindiary” is a kewl word. Rather be that way with words than with bombs and stuff, I think. Maybe we can use the former to decrease the latter (although I’m not super optimistic about that)
Comment by: Fr. Lyons
20 02/5/08 2:00 PM | Comment Link |Yeah, I picked “incindiary” because I see this text as a fire-starter — hopefully not just in people’s diologue, but also in their hearts. As an independent Catholic, we have a wonderful opportunity to re-present the Gospel in ways that challenge and provoke people’s actions and words. For many years I have said and taught that in reality the Beatitudes are the Christian Manifesto, just as the Ten Commandments were the ethical code for Judaism. Sadly, the Beatitudes are NOT used as the manifesto for Christian believers, at least not in the States. Maybe this challenging text presented here will inspire others.
Comment by: Rachel
21 02/5/08 2:41 PM | Comment Link |Well said, Fr. Lyons! Your parishioners are blessed to have a priest who does not simply “tickle their ears.”
Comment by: Benjamin
22 02/6/08 1:22 AM | Comment Link |Father Lyons,
sounds like you are one of those hopemongers.
Glad to have you hanging contributin here at JaC.
At some point I’m planning to post American Jesus Sermon on the Mount Part 2. Just as a by the way =).
Are you anywhere near Seattle? I’d love to get together sometime =)