Posted by Benjamin on: 03.06.2008 /
David recently posted this comment in another thread:
I try to talk candidly with my daughters regarding the pitfalls and benefits of relationships. I try not to say either do or don’t have sex prior to marriage. I try to talk about consequences for doing something without a good understanding of why and what will happen after. When the girls watched the movie “Juno” that became a good opportunity for discussing the difficulty of dealing with teen pregnancy and the confused reasons people can come to that place.
I said earlier in this thread that I probably fall closer to biblical morality than anything else because I believe premarital sex isn’t good. But it isn’t a “sin” issue for me. I think it can be bad for the participants quite often because it of unequal expectations (one getting their rocks off and the other thinking it is love) or because sex is seen as an avenue to get something else (like love) when it should be something that comes after love. I talk pretty frankly with my older daughter about how boys can act and why. I try not to condemn boys too much, pointing out that hormones can make them crazy.
But with my kids I try to get a conversation going about what sex should be to counter the peer pressure and cultural influences that I believe work constantly to change sex into something irresponsible, unhealthy and ultimately damaging to all participants.
Thank you David for your comments. I find my wife is incredibly helpful to me on this issue–she’s so good at instigating and promoting these open, non-judgmental, normal-ish rather than big-dealish conversations.
Questions for comment:
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Comment by: joe
1 03/7/08 5:20 AM | Comment Link |I think you have the answer, Benjamin: get the wife to do it!
I’ve been charged to talk about biology, the wife is discussing the more nitty gritty stuff. Which is fine by me.
Comment by: Benjamin
2 03/7/08 12:23 PM | Comment Link |Joe,
I hear you. We really do need a lot of help from the non-brain-damaged half of the species =)
Comment by: David H
3 03/8/08 12:37 AM | Comment Link |To my mind issues of sexuality and relationships fall into the realm of justice and compassion. I was raised to believe that there was right and wrong with not much in between. These poles, at either end of a no-man’s land, marked absolutes that had been established by God. One had to choose around which to form an existence.
In matters of sexuality, I was told, the Bible offered clear guidance on the choices one should make. Sex before marriage — sin. Teenage pregnancy — sin. Extramarital affairs — sin. Divorce — big sin. Homosexuality — unforgivable sin. There wasn’t much discussion about the whys. The Bible said these things were sin, ergo they were sin.
Sure we talked about hate the sin, but love the sinner. But when it came to issues like sexual orientation — little did I know at the time — such demarcation is virtually impossible. The sinner, to use that old term, probably can’t be separated from the sin.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I went to a church that didn’t treat divorced women differently — if it even allowed them to attend. The mega church my parents took me to had a group for “recovering” homosexuals, but members of that group were largely kept secret (otherwise people might be upset to discover they sat next to them in the pew or that their kids got near them in Sunday School).
Much of my church up-bringing taught me not act justly or compassionately toward people who were different or having issues of a sexual nature. I now believe it is important for me to talk to my kids in a different way about these things and to emphasize that it isn’t just black & white. Most of our lives are lived in that in-between place. Rather than a no-man’s or -woman’s land it is where we all are most of the time.
I have been told I have situational ethics because I would rather talk about what is better or worse than what is right or wrong. Better can change based on the circumstances. It is not an absolute that leaves all other alternatives as failure.
I don’t recall any good conversations with my parents regarding sex or sexuality. What I do recall has become ironic, at best, in retrospect. When I was a teen most of what I thought I knew about sex was gleaned from locker-room talk and what friends said they read in Penthouse forum. I don’t know what my kids think about the conversations I have with them. Maybe: “There goes the old man again!” But I believe what I am trying to teach them can make the world (or a small piece anyway) a better place. It could save a life if my kids don’t grow up calling another child a fag or treating them like a leper because rumor has it their morals are questionable.
I still remember what I and the people around me were like in high school. The problems and pitfalls that face my children scare the crap out of me. But if nothing else they will a) know more than I did when I was their age, b) hopefully have more respect for others and themselves than I was taught, and c) know that even if they believe they have failed to meet my standards it won’t change how I feel about them.
Thanks for the soapbox.
Comment by: Rachel
4 03/10/08 6:12 PM | Comment Link |I agree, David. With the tragically high rate of suicide among gay teens, teaching kindness and respect is a pro-life issue!
Comment by: Benjamin
5 03/11/08 2:31 PM | Comment Link |David,
I am also in accord. I’m glad you are able to remember what it was like in high school for you, and let that lead you to be proactively compassionate in talking to and trying to guide your own children. That how I wanna be too.